


Misery

by iheartksoo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, Gen, dont read this it's pure angst, really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 04:43:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11246565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartksoo/pseuds/iheartksoo
Summary: Minhyuk tries. But he's dug his grave too deep.





	Misery

**Author's Note:**

> Literally, this is just something I wrote to get some things of my mind. It's crap. Also Minhyuk/Shownu is really only implied. This was not beta'd nor did I reread what I wrote so there's possibly some grammatical/spelling errors in there. Sorry for that.

It’s not that he doesn’t try. He does. Every day he goes out and smiles when it’s appropriate. He talks himself into believing it’s real. Every morning is a brand new day, another day closer to his inevitable end. That in itself is a relief. He knows it’s all in his head. The people around him probably do love him. When Jooheon cuddles up to him when he’s tired, logically, he knows it’s not fake. Kihyun does not really judge him that badly. Logically, he knows. He knows his members love him. He knows because on his good days, the clouds clear up and he can see clearly, their slight gestures that prove that they’re not faking their affection for him. On those days it’s a little easier to smile. On those days his bubbly persona is not so much of a persona but it resembles the boy he used to be. Bright and positive. That’s who he was and who he so desperately craves to be again. 

It’s so easy these days. He builds himself up, gives himself little speeches of encouragement. If Hoseok didn’t like him, why would he sit close to him in every interview, depending on him to be his usual loud and sunshiny self. But then if he did like him, why would he so obviously rather spend time with Changkyun and Kihyun? Why would he be watching him like he did whenever Minhyuk acted out when there were no cameras? He knows he’s too loud. He can’t stand awkward silences. But filling them doesn’t make him feel better either. He knows it’s in his head. But when he tries his best to joke and get a reaction out of his members, why does it always end in them humming in reply without actually acknowledging his effort? Logically, he knows it’s because they’re tired. Just as tired as he is, if not more because each and every one of his members work their asses off. He knows they’re just as frustrated as him for still not getting their first win. He knows what it feels like to always feel like you’re second best. 

It’s so incredibly easy. On his good days, or at least the days without his dark cloud following him around, it only takes one thing. Whenever he forgets, something happens to bring him back down. He’s not allowed to be happy. Not when he’s like this. Not when he’s the useless member. The one that’s only there to pump up the atmosphere. Not when he’s always too loud and always too present in a room with six members that don’t want him there. He despises them yet he needs them. On days when they’re all out with schedules and he’s the only one stuck in the dorm with nothing to do because he’s useless, there’s nothing he wants more than Kihyun nagging Hyungwon to at least stay awake until after dinner, or Jooheon and Changkyunnie arguing over who gets to play the first player. He craves the melodies escaping Hoseok’s headphones as he’s working on new songs on the living room computer. What he misses most though, is Hyunwoo. He doesn’t say much but he’s always there. At the end of the day, his silent support and his hugs that feel like coming home are his only beacon of light. Through the years, he’s become the one person he depends on most. He doesn’t show it, aside from the skinship that he has with everyone but only feels comfortable with Hyunwoo, he doesn’t show how much he needs him. Of course he doesn’t show. He’s not entitled to earn more of Hyunwoo’s affection than the others. Not when Hoseok is writing songs, Kihyun has a voice made of molten chocolate, Jooheon and Changkyun are literal rap gods and Hyungwon is learning 5 new things at once, DJ-ing and acting and generally just improving his worth as an idol. Not when compared to Hyunwoo and the other members, he has nothing to show. His voice isn’t even that good and his due to his knee injury, his dancing skills are still subpar. 

He doesn’t show them how much his own mind hurts him. Every day, from dawn ‘till dusk. He knows it’s all in his head, logically. But he doesn’t see an end. He doesn’t know how to get out of this hole he’s dug for himself. All he wants, is for this misery to end.

**Author's Note:**

> If you did read this, I'm sorry.


End file.
